The Milkshake Project

What do you think of the new Bacon Milkshake from Jack in the Box?

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 08:46:00 -0500

I close my eyes and see a flock of birds. The vision lasts a second or perhaps less; I am not sure how many birds I saw. Was the number of birds definite or indefinite? The problem involves the existence of God. If God exists, the number is definite, because God knows how many birds I saw. If God does not exist, the number is indefinite, because no one can have counted. In this case I saw fewer than ten birds (let us say) and more than one, but did not see nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, or two birds. I saw a number between ten and one, which was not nine, eight, seven, six, five, etc. That integer — notnine, noteight, notseven, notsix, notfive, etc. — is inconceivable. Ergo, God exists.

- Argumentum Ornithologicum :: J. L. Borges

The other day I went to Backyard Burger and my milkshake wasn't that great.

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 22:40:36 -0500

Not a question, but a statement of a problem - much like this is a malformed phrase and not a sentence (yep).

I think with all that is going on in the world we can agree that inconsistently produced milkshakes that lead to sadness is in the top thee international issues in a world in which only 10% of the population can properly digest milk.

Restated as a solution:

Should milkshake makers be licensed?

Yes, yes they should. Would you order a milkshake if you saw a Milkshake Maker license with a 38 score [“unknown objects in shake”, “open milk on counter for more than three seconds”, “improper cleansing of equipment”, “disrespect to milkshake blending traditions”] on it?

How did Dairy Queen win Zagat's "Best Milkshake" Award for 2011?

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 22:21:42 -0500

The Zagat’s “Best Milkshake” Award is won by producing buckets of your enemies blood.

This is why Cold-Stone Creamery, a soft organization since they also “make” smoothies, has always rated #2 in the milkshake category. Chick-Fil-A, staffed by 14 year old angels and men of unwavering decision-making abilities (all fighting for a single $2K dollar scholarship) only comes in barely in or out of the top five every year.

It is particularly ironic since “Zagat” when this writer first heard it invoked the giving of money to the poor as in “Zakat” the Islamic equivalent of equally distributed tithing. Alas the only thing Dairy Queen is evenly distributing is harsh retribution to all those who dare step to it and medium-quality milkshakes served within feet of unbelievably bad hot dogs.

How do you avoid the temptation of milkshakes?

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 11:17:00 -0500

Two monks were returning to the monastery in the evening. It had rained and there were puddles of water on the road sides. At one place a beautiful young woman was standing unable to walk across because of a puddle of water. The elder of the two monks went up and lifted her and left her on the other side of the road, and continued his way to the monastery.

In the evening the younger monk came to the elder monk and said, “Sir, as monks, we cannot touch a woman?”

The elder monk answered “Yes, brother”.

Then the younger monk asks again, “But then Sir, how is that you lifted that woman on the roadside?”

The elder monk smiled at him and told him “I left her on the other side of the road, but you are still carrying her.”

Should milkshakes replace cake at kid's birthday parties?

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 10:46:50 -0500

First - I like the way you think.

The advantages:

- Consistent sizing - no kid getting a corner piece while another kid cries in the corner with their middle-piece-with-some-icing-scrapped-off-bootleg-piece

- Portability - play can continue rather than trying to wrangle kids to sit down and don’t-bring-that-cake-into-the-living-room-young-man

- Cleanliness - Cake has a very high fault rate due to the frosting sticking to everything - kid’s face, TVs, party clowns, presents, parental hair, the bottom of chairs, etc. Milkshakes are hard to spill (but when they spill it is catastrophic)

There are some downsides however:

- Timing - the essential secret ingredient of milkshakes is timing which is one of the reasons behind milkshakes unbelievable power - a cake is good for a few days while a milkshake’s fleeting “viable consumption window” reminds you of the escapist nature of time - always running away and never towards you as you try with all your might to stay in one place. So the milkshake could melt too much or be too thick for the kids.

- Cost - A cake might seem expensive but is cheap in terms of preparation time - you make a phone call and then run by to pick it up the day before or of the party. A milkshake would require a special order and a same-day pickup a few hours or minutes before the party. If you take matters seriously, as those of us who care about things do, the rental of a specialized freezer truck and class C driver’s permit would be required.

- Unconventionalism - While to me putting a candle at the top of a milkshake and singing happy birthday might make for dramatic juxtaposition and symbolism it will probably make the rest of the parents mad and - let’s face it - totally creeped out. The only solution here is to put a cupcake on top of the birthday boy or girl’s milkshake then reinstall the plastic dome to prevent wax from dripping in.

What can milkshakes teach us about economics?

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 07:45:00 -0500

Milkshakes have been key to understanding many facets of our world the least of which may or may not be our understanding of the conditions surrounding purchases that people make.

The Milkshake Theory in economics is the idea that the environment of a product’s purchase may matter less than the product itself. The theory got its name from a researcher who interviewed people as they left a fast food restaurant about why they purchased a milkshake.

The results were split between people who bought one in the morning as something to eat slowly with one hand while they undertook a long boring commute. The afternoon buyers were buying one for their children as a treat after eating. The morning consumers wanted a thick milkshake that was large so that they could take awhile to drink it while the afternoon customers wanted a thin small milkshake so that it would be melted enough for their children to consume it after they ate.

The Milkshake Theory thus says that people weren’t buying milkshakes as a product but as a employee to do a job: one to reduce boredom and the other as an incentive. Thus milkshake’s competition was not ice cream or another food product but podcasts for the morning customers and stickers for the afternoon ones.

And yet again we find that by studying milkshakes we learn more about our natural world and ourselves.

Should a man drink a milkshake with a cherry on it?

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 23:08:30 -0500

I understand the concern - how can a grown man drink a milkshake with a cherry on top of half a cup of whipped cream sitting in some sort of weird plastic glass dome - it is silly and clownish.

Can’t a citizen’s man-card revocation occur under such circumstances?

Remember this: a true man cannot by force, persuasion, or tricks have his man card revoked - so you only need to worry if you need to worry.

Why aren't Skittles ever in milkshakes?

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 22:44:00 -0500

Well, a few reasons plus the following:

- They are too big to fit through a straw, and a mini-Skittle (like a mini M+M) does not exist

- Skittles harden when cold making them less milkshakey and more broken-glassy

But there is hope in the form of the following do-it-yourself recipe:

- Purchase your Skittles. If you are making a vanilla milkshake stay away from Tropical or Crazy Core. There is no situation in which you should ever purchase Skittles Chocolate, Skittles gum, or Skittles Sour.

- Lay the skittles out on a microwave-safe hard surface (no paper towels or plastic plates)

- Heat the skittles until the majority of them have split in half, normally about 15-25 seconds for a 1000w device

- Wait 45 seconds before opening the microwave - your skittles are white hot in the middle and can cause serious burns

- Take the result and drop it into your just-made milkshake and stir like crazy

- Taste the resulting milkshake. Contemplate measuring the rest of your life in terms of whether it was before or after this moment.

What are some techniques for rapid milkshake consumption?

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 08:38:59 -0500

Place the milkshake in a paper cup, not glass, and never styrofoam.

Hold the milkshake with both hands if possible, with one full palm if not, turning it around in your hand as you drink it.

Run the straw only around the edges of the cup while you drink it, pausing every 20 seconds to “cut” the middle of the shake and then repeating. This will speed up the melting process.

Keep your tongue on the roof of your mouth.

Breathe.

Focus into the pain and look at yourself as if from the outside.

How do you solve brain freeze/ice-cream headache?

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 08:31:17 -0500

The best way to solve sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is to touch your tongue, finger, or hot coal to the roof of your mouth until it goes away.

You can decrease the effects of cold-stimulus headache by proactively placing your tongue on the roof of you mouth while you consume very cold food and through periodic cardiovascular exercise.

What is the difference between a milkshake and a smoothie?

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 08:22:27 -0500

You don’t dip a cheeseburger into a smoothie.

What is the difference between a milkshake and a malt?

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 08:22:02 -0500

In terms of taste and texture a malt tends to taste thicker and fuller. In terms of location you tend to be able to get malts at places that know and respect milkshakes (old diners, old school pharmacies).

In terms of ingredients a malt has all the normal ingredients but has malt added.

Where can I buy the best milkshake?

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 23:14:19 -0500

(sigh)

A man walking across a field encounters a tiger. He fled, the tiger chasing after him. Coming to a cliff, he caught hold of a wild vine and swung himself over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Terrified, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger had come, waiting to eat him. Two mice, one white and one black, little by little began to gnaw away at the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine in one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!

Isn't it entirely possible to chop or grind various larger ingredients (M&M, cookies, etc.) to a size that would fit through a straw? Would that then make them eligible for a milkshake?

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 23:07:00 -0500

In this life there are things that are right and wrong and then there are things that are a matter of taste. We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want. Ignore the brilliance of your intellect and return to the unconscious vastness of unknowing.

Where do the candidates stand on the issue of milkshakes?

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 22:57:00 -0500

We try to avoid politics here at The Milkshake Project choosing instead to focus on educating people about milkshakes, but our mission to answer all questions overrides that policy in this case.

Barack Obama - pro milkshake (image) (also Michelle)

Joe Biden - pro milkshake (strawberry)

Mitt Romney - pro milkshake (and helpful)

Herman Cain - unknown. His dark coats and rimmed hats have caused him to be compared to Daniel Plainview from the movie “There Will Be Blood” who uttered I drink your milkshake - a phrase which has now been captured by hipsters and printed on t-shirts.

One of these people dropped out of the race as this post went to print and I will leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine the importance of milkshakes in the mind of the voting public.

I drank a soymilkshake. Should I consult a priest?

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 22:28:00 -0500

Were you aware that the milkshake was composed thusly when you drank it?

I for one have been fooled by many a “shake fake” including, but not limited to, a Weight-Watchers protein powder-based sludge that tasted unintentionally like banana sweat.

I’ll say that since soy “milk” is according to the popular culture “milk” (and thus fits one of the 3 classic milk ingredients) you are siding with the majority. But you should know that the majority in this case are people that drive cars that make no noise, drink teas with pieces of grass floating in them, and have strong opinions about things like everything they have ever heard about. Also this majority thinks that soybeans have nipples, so follow the crowd at your own risk.

As to your secondary question of whether you should consult a priest I simply ask: have you ever consulted a priest because you ate a poorly prepared pork chop? If not then I think the high-regard you have for milkshakes makes this writer feel that you are forgiven - go in peace.

Faster milkshake drinker - Batman or Spiderman (with straw hole in mask)... GO..

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 23:03:00 -0500

So for those that aren’t aware of the basic frameworks in play with Batman and Spiderman let’s review:

Spiderman

Bitten by spider who gifted him with special spider-like powers and weaknesses
Mouth is covered by mask
Serves as symbol of the proper use of power
Played by multiple people that all weigh less than 130 pounds

Batman

No supernatural powers other than talent at athletics, unbelievable focus born of personal tragedy, and high intelligence
Mouth is not covered by mask
Will never take a life so that he can continue to act as a symbol of the good
No actor has ever been considered a “good Batman”

Let’s walk the factors in play here:

Spiderman

- Ability to hang upside down could help in “race to the bottom” of a milkshake

- Spider-like weaknesses could mean that he does respond well to sudden winterization

- Pun-filled life full of having fun and hanging with chicks

Batman

- Student of the world as told through impressive engineering history which includes hand-built machines to aid flight, creating his own friggin’ car, and other highly-developed skills. Example - if you shoot Batman he removes bullet with a scapel and then sews his suit fixed

- Dark, brooding, does not lose - will do anything short of murder to win

My expert opinion is that Spiderman’s weak life betrays him here. The fact that you would even list Spiderman’s need to remove part of his mask betrays that deep down you also believe that he needs his hand held through this most manly of pursuits - a milkshake drinking contest.

My milkshake was in the car for a little while and now it is melted.

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 22:37:00 -0500

That isn’t a question but from your description of the situation the implied question is:

My milkshake - a symbol of my childhood and consequence-free happiness - is gone and I don’t know how to handle it.

First - thanks for being open and bringing this problem where it belongs - to the public Internet to be answered by a complete stranger.

Second - much like the feeling that your childhood and all the freedom that came with it is over your belief that a single milkshake cannot be renewed is false. Buy another milkshake.

What if I don't want a milkshake?

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:47:50 -0500

So you want everyone to believe that you came to this website and posted a question and you don’t want a milkshake. Don’t fight it any longer.

What comes first - milk or milkshake?

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:28:00 -0500

Milk as defined as being from a cow and not being milk until it leaves the udder came before Milkshake since Milk is an ingredient of a Milkshake.

Other variations could, however, have occurred. The discussion - albeit interesting - of what you are allowed to call “milk” is outside the realm of my scope of this answer.

So I can state conclusively that Milk came before Milkshake.

That is unless the following happened:

In 1973, while making preparations for Skylab 3, NASA discovered that while milk is the most nutrient-rich food it also presents challenges around storage and taste - its astronauts were repeatedly rejecting the inferior dehydrated milk substitutes and sorta being huge crybabies about it. Needing an efficient way to store milk in space a radical idea was proposed: send a cow to space. After most laughed off the idea and were sort of total jerks about it the researcher who proposed the idea came up with a solution for how to feed the cow - using sunlight and a new breed of bacteria to grow grass sustainably. Project Milk Spaceman was born.

The cow was chosen based on three criteria: imperviousness to stressful situations, abnormally small size, and clean driving record. Ralphie May, the chosen female cow, was actually a radical anti-governmentalist who once in space drugged the crew and embarked on a dangerous personal space walk with the goal of using the space station as a battering ram to disable communication satellites. Her goal of disrupting the political landscape would fail however after her homemade space helmet shattered thus leading to the ensuing vacuum in effect blending and freezing her in-udder milk to 3 Kelvin and creating, for an instant, a milkshake that came before her milk was extracted.