1. What do you think of the new Bacon Milkshake from Jack in the Box?

    I close my eyes and see a flock of birds. The vision lasts a second or perhaps less; I am not sure how many birds I saw. Was the number of birds definite or indefinite? The problem involves the existence of God. If God exists, the number is definite, because God knows how many birds I saw.  If God does not exist, the number is indefinite, because no one can have counted. In this case I saw fewer than ten birds (let us say) and more than one, but did not see nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, or two birds. I saw a number between ten and one, which was not nine, eight, seven, six, five, etc. That integer — notnine, noteight, notseven, notsix, notfive, etc. — is inconceivable. Ergo, God exists.

    - Argumentum Ornithologicum :: J. L. Borges

  2. The other day I went to Backyard Burger and my milkshake wasn’t that great.

    Not a question, but a statement of a problem - much like this is a malformed phrase and not a sentence (yep).

    I think with all that is going on in the world we can agree that inconsistently produced milkshakes that lead to sadness is in the top thee international issues in a world in which only 10% of the population can properly digest milk.

    Restated as a solution:

    Should milkshake makers be licensed?

    Yes, yes they should.  Would you order a milkshake if you saw a Milkshake Maker license with a 38 score [“unknown objects in shake”, “open milk on counter for more than three seconds”, “improper cleansing of equipment”, “disrespect to milkshake blending traditions”] on it?

  3. How did Dairy Queen win Zagat’s “Best Milkshake” Award for 2011?

    The Zagat’s “Best Milkshake” Award is won by producing buckets of your enemies blood.  

    This is why Cold-Stone Creamery, a soft organization since they also “make” smoothies, has always rated #2 in the milkshake category.  Chick-Fil-A, staffed by 14 year old angels and men of unwavering decision-making abilities (all fighting for a single $2K dollar scholarship) only comes in barely in or out of the top five every year.

    It is particularly ironic since “Zagat” when this writer first heard it invoked the giving of money to the poor as in “Zakat” the Islamic equivalent of equally distributed tithing.  Alas the only thing Dairy Queen is evenly distributing is harsh retribution to all those who dare step to it and medium-quality milkshakes served within feet of unbelievably bad hot dogs.

  4. How do you avoid the temptation of milkshakes?

    Two monks were returning to the monastery in the evening. It had rained and there were puddles of water on the road sides. At one place a beautiful young woman was standing unable to walk across because of a puddle of water. The elder of the two monks went up and lifted her and left her on the other side of the road, and continued his way to the monastery.

    In the evening the younger monk came to the elder monk and said, “Sir, as monks, we cannot touch a woman?”

    The elder monk answered “Yes, brother”.

    Then the younger monk asks again, “But then Sir, how is that you lifted that woman on the roadside?”

    The elder monk smiled at him and told him “I left her on the other side of the road, but you are still carrying her.”

  5. Should milkshakes replace cake at kid’s birthday parties?

    First - I like the way you think.  

    The advantages:

    - Consistent sizing - no kid getting a corner piece while another kid cries in the corner with their middle-piece-with-some-icing-scrapped-off-bootleg-piece

    - Portability - play can continue rather than trying to wrangle kids to sit down and don’t-bring-that-cake-into-the-living-room-young-man

    - Cleanliness - Cake has a very high fault rate due to the frosting sticking to everything - kid’s face, TVs, party clowns, presents, parental hair, the bottom of chairs, etc. Milkshakes are hard to spill (but when they spill it is catastrophic)

    There are some downsides however:

    - Timing - the essential secret ingredient of milkshakes is timing which is one of the reasons behind milkshakes unbelievable power - a cake is good for a few days while a milkshake’s fleeting “viable consumption window” reminds you of the escapist nature of time - always running away and never towards you as you try with all your might to stay in one place.  So the milkshake could melt too much or be too thick for the kids.

    - Cost - A cake might seem expensive but is cheap in terms of preparation time - you make a phone call and then run by to pick it up the day before or of the party. A milkshake would require a special order and a same-day pickup a few hours or minutes before the party.  If you take matters seriously, as those of us who care about things do, the rental of a specialized freezer truck and class C driver’s permit would be required.

    - Unconventionalism - While to me putting a candle at the top of a milkshake and singing happy birthday might make for dramatic juxtaposition and symbolism it will probably make the rest of the parents mad and - let’s face it - totally creeped out. The only solution here is to put a cupcake on top of the birthday boy or girl’s milkshake then reinstall the plastic dome to prevent wax from dripping in.

  6. What can milkshakes teach us about economics?

    Milkshakes have been key to understanding many facets of our world the least of which may or may not be our understanding of the conditions surrounding purchases that people make.

    The Milkshake Theory in economics is the idea that the environment of a product’s purchase may matter less than the product itself.  The theory got its name from a researcher who interviewed people as they left a fast food restaurant about why they purchased a milkshake.  

    The results were split between people who bought one in the morning as something to eat slowly with one hand while they undertook a long boring commute.  The afternoon buyers were buying one for their children as a treat after eating.  The morning consumers wanted a thick milkshake that was large so that they could take awhile to drink it while the afternoon customers wanted a thin small milkshake so that it would be melted enough for their children to consume it after they ate.

    The Milkshake Theory thus says that people weren’t buying milkshakes as a product but as a employee to do a job: one to reduce boredom and the other as an incentive.  Thus milkshakes competition was not ice cream or another food product but podcasts for the morning customers and stickers for the afternoon ones.

    And yet again we find that by studying milkshakes we learn more about our natural world and ourselves. 

  7. Should a man drink a milkshake with a cherry on it?

    I understand the concern - how can a grown man drink a milkshake with a cherry on top of half a cup of whipped cream sitting in some sort of weird plastic glass dome - it is silly and clownish.

    Can’t a citizen’s man-card revocation occur under such circumstances?

    Remember this: a true man cannot by force, persuasion, or tricks have his man card revoked - so you only need to worry if you need to worry.

  8. Why aren’t Skittles ever in milkshakes?

    Well, a few reasons plus the following:

    - They are too big to fit through a straw, and a mini-Skittle (like a mini M+M) does not exist

    - Skittles harden when cold making them less milkshakey and more broken-glassy

    But there is hope in the form of the following do-it-yourself recipe:

    - Purchase your Skittles. If you are making a vanilla milkshake stay away from Tropical or Crazy Core.  There is no situation in which you should ever purchase Skittles Chocolate, Skittles gum, or Skittles Sour.

    - Lay the skittles out on a microwave-safe hard surface (no paper towels or plastic plates)

    - Heat the skittles until the majority of them have split in half, normally about 15-25 seconds for a 1000w device

    - Wait 45 seconds before opening the microwave - your skittles are white hot in the middle and can cause serious burns

    - Take the result and drop it into your just-made milkshake and stir like crazy

    - Taste the resulting milkshake.  Contemplate measuring the rest of your life in terms of whether it was before or after this moment.

  9. What are some techniques for rapid milkshake consumption?

    Place the milkshake in a paper cup, not glass, and never styrofoam.

    Hold the milkshake with both hands if possible, with one full palm if not, turning it around in your hand as you drink it.

    Run the straw only around the edges of the cup while you drink it, pausing every 20 seconds to “cut” the middle of the shake and then repeating.  This will speed up the melting process.

    Keep your tongue on the roof of your mouth.

    Breathe.

    Focus into the pain and look at yourself as if from the outside.  

  10. How do you solve brain freeze/ice-cream headache?

    The best way to solve sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is to touch your tongue, finger, or hot coal to the roof of your mouth until it goes away. 

    You can decrease the effects of cold-stimulus headache by proactively placing your tongue on the roof of you mouth while you consume very cold food and through periodic cardiovascular exercise.